What I've learned taking a year off

The Reason

Last year I decided 2019 would be a year that I would pull back from some of my extra curricular activities. In 2018 I went to eight different security conferences (I had 12 planned). I went full burnout at DerbyCon 2018 and ended up leaving the conference early to head home and be with my family. The minute I got on the road and out of Louisville, I felt relief. I decided that taking a break in 2019 would be a good idea.

Burnout was one reason. The others were that I was being promoted and we had a big family trip to Yellowstone planned. I ended up taking off two weeks from work to road trip out west and back. I knew the promotion was more work so I wanted to ensure I had time for myself. It was more than I anticipated and I stopped producing the Exploring Information Security podcast. I wanted to spend more time with the family and more time enjoying life a little bit. I’ve discovered it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

The Problem

Up until a month ago I lacked motivation and purpose. I was spending more time with the family and playing video games. I was also drinking a lot more. By a lot more, I mean daily. With a three drink minimum. It was not good and I knew it. I didn’t know how to get out of it, though. I felt like I’d drink. get a bad night sleep. Go to work. Come home and find my willpower completely shot. I started to feel disengaged at work. I was overworked and dealing with anxiety. That’s when the handrail incident happened.

While leaving the University of Tennessee vs. University of South Carolina game, I decided to slide down a handrail. Normally not a problem, however, it was a problem because I had been drinking before noon. I also still had a full cup in my hand. I slide a few inches and then flipped completely over onto the cement stairs. I banged my head and slammed my hand into the steps. I sat up without a concussion, but the ringer finger on my left hand turned towards my pinky. After three hours in an emergency room, several medical visits, and a surgery appointment I had three screws put in my finger to repair the fracture that had occurred (picture above).

I’ve had a lot of time to think post the handrail incident and I think I’ve pegged the problem. Cutting out all the things (conferences, podcasts, blogging, volunteering) has caused me to self-indulge. I created bad habits around drinking and playing video games. I’m currently reading Every Thing Is F*cked - A Book About Hope by Mark Manson. He talks about doing things that make our ability to handle stress fragile. This happens when things become convenient and we indulge in our happiness. Life needs conflict and if we don’t choose our own conflict then we will make our own conflict. For example, drinking too much. We become fragile in our ability to handle stress. Which is something that I’m experiencing at work. I’ve lost several nights of sleep to thinking about work. Which plays a small part in me wanting to drink so that I can fall asleep instead of dealing with insomnia.

The Solution

I have sought medical help for the insomnia and been provided with an option for falling asleep. I am starting to change some of my habits. It’s amazing what getting a night of sleep without alcohol will do for your attitude. It’s also amazing how much money you save not drinking every night. I am starting to understand my place at work and not stressing about certain things. I have the benefit of reaching my career goal and I’m not worried about being promoted to a director or executive level.

I’m going to start having a purpose again. To help and promote others. I’m going to start blogging more here and at ColaSec. I’m going to get more involved in the community again. I plan to help out with ColaSec, as well as the local user groups in the Nashville area. I plan to attend conferences more next year and help out as a volunteer and speaker. Finally, I plan to start the Exploring Information Security podcast back up again with a few modifications (more to come).

I don’t regret taking a year off. It’s helped me grow and understand myself better. Every since moving to Nashville, I’ve always had this thing in the back of my head bugging me, “what now?” What is my motivation and driver in life? I think I’ve discovered that. I want to help others. I want to contribute. I want to produce something useful. I want to grow. That’s what will make me happy.

Life and podcast update

Tonight I will be sitting down to record the last podcast of the Exploring Information Security podcast. I wanted to take a moment and put it in blog form to collect my thoughts. It’s been a wonderful ride producing the EIS podcast. I started it back in 2015 because I wanted to shift my energy to the infosec field. Previously, I produced an Astros podcast that ran for three to four years. We’ve hit around the same amount of episodes.

Energy is the key word

I’m find it hard to get motivated to produce podcasts for EIS. The quality of the last two months of the podcasts have been below my standard. I apologize for that. I also believe that it’s a sign that I may need to stop producing episodes for the foreseeable future. I say foreseeable future, because I think the podcast is a wonderful resource for people in the industry. I’d like to continue. The motiviation and the energy I get from the podcast isn’t there. Part of that, I think, is due to my schedule last year.

I went to eight security conferences last year. I traveled every month for both security conferences, training, holiday, and leisure activities. I was worn out by October and ended up leaving DerbyCon early because I wasn’t in a great place mentally. I’m trying to take a break this year. I have plans for two security conferences this year and that’s it. I’ve been going hard in the infosec community doing podcasts, attending conferences, speaking, volunteering, and blogging. That’s all led to my current role.

I was promoted

I am now the manager of security engineering, application security, and pentesting at my company. I couldn’t be happier. I also couldn’t be more exhausted. I come home more much more drained. That’s partly because I’m spending a few more hours at work each week. It’s also because, it’s a constantly flow of work and I’m trying to get adjusted. My mindset has also shifted. Now instead of being as concerned about a security appliance or control, I’m concerned about how I put my people in the best position to succeed. I’m managing workload more than actually doing the work. I’m trying to figure out how we can be more efficient, while also navigating the political minefield.

Management is something I knew I wanted to get into years. So much so, that I’ve been listening to Manager Tools since 2014. I have a great manager and a great CISO. You probably don’t know there names and that’s okay, because there’s a lot of good people in the security industry that are doing good work that you don’t know about. I’m fascinated by that and I’m curious if that’s something I should do. Pull back from the community. Contribute and do it more strategically (manager word!).

Future of the podcast

Maybe this is it. Maybe I bring it back in a year. Maybe I start a new one. I don’t know. Maybe someone takes up the EIS logo (contact me timothy[.]deblock[@]gmail[.]com or Twitter @TimothyDeBlock). I’d like to maybe blog more. Right now I’m focused on my new position. I’m focused on putting my people in a position to be successful in the field. I’m focused on my family who hasn’t had me home as much because I was at a conference or a meetup. This isn’t good bye. This is the closing of a chapter and the start of a new one.