ERRRR Suicide

Christopher Titus saved my life.

I graduated from high school in 2000. Right around that same time Titus appeared on Fox. I was instantly hooked. The show was funny and dealt with some deep dark emotional issues. It was the realist thing I could come to a comedy. In 2002 it ended up saving my life and to this day has abated any thoughts of suicide.

I was in the Navy at the time. I don't remember my exact reason for being in the lounge at our barracks, but I was having a pretty shitty day. I remember thinking, "Maybe I should just kill myself." That's when I found Titus on the TV I was flipping through in the lounge. The episode was, "Errrr." The premise of the episode was Titus catching his niece trying to commit suicide. He stops her and sits down for a chat about the time he tried to kill himself. The episode was hilarious and at the end of it I realized, how ridiculous the idea was.

I wanted to share this, because I recently had someone IM me about leaving work. They were concerned that I left agitated. I responded that I had a lot on my mind recently and I was working through it. They responded with encouraging words and let me know I could call a suicide hotline. I responded with a clip of the episode from YouTube. Suicide is not something that has crossed my mind, but I know it has crossed the minds of others.

Our industry is tough. We have a lot today and a lot of push back from people inside our organization. I'm blessed that the push back is minimal from my organization. We have our frustrations. Overall I realize I'm in a good situation. I have my good days and my bad days. I struggle to meet internal expectations.

I should drink less. I stay up to late. I should play video games less. I should spend more time with the kids and my wife. I should get this certification. I should blog more. I need to get another guest for the podcast. I need to edit these three podcasts. I should spend more time at work getting all this work done. I should. I should. I should.

I still struggle with internal expectations. I fail constantly. I go to bed too late. I don't spend enough time with the wife and kids. It's gotten better moving to Tennessee. I take them with me to some of the conferences I attend. Still I'm not with them. I'm attending the conference. I'm working late. I'm hitting the gym, because I need to relieve some stress and I want to show them the good habit of working out.

I'm still trying to figure it out. I mention this because I think a lot of us are. I've had conversation with people about alcohol after my alcohol posts. I think they're some of my most liked content on the site. I think that with social media we see a lot of the wins in people's lives. Not a lot of their loses. I'm hoping this post can change that. For all my success: the podcast; speaking engagements; a great job. I can show that we don't always have it together. Even the best of us still frown. Even the best of struggle and just try to make i through the day. It's okay.

After tomorrow is a new day. A new opportunity to do something great or learn from a failure.

Thoughts on Chester Bennington and suicide

I like to think that we're living in that parallel universe where Chester Bennington is shown what would happen if he were to commit suicide. The outpouring of love and grief for his death. In that parallel universe he decides not to commit suicide because he sees our universe. One can dream.

I discovered the news while on Twitter. Mike Shinoda tweeted the following:

Shocked and heartbroken, but it's true. An official statement will come out as soon as we have one.

— Mike Shinoda (@mikeshinoda) July 20, 2017

I was confused. I quickly pulled up Google and started digging for more information. The headlines teased Chester Bennington's death. The articles described his suicide and shock from family, friends, and other musicians. I was shocked. I graduated high school a couple years after Hybrid Theory hit shelves. I joined the Navy and attended one of the best conferences in southern California. One that included Linkin Park, Korn, Snoop Dogg, and others. The concert did not disappoint.

I had tickets to attend a Linkin Park concert a few years ago. Those tickets ended up getting refunded because Chester broke his leg. I was disappointed, but knew I would see another concert eventually. Seeing Linkin Park again is still a possibility. Unfortunately, it will be without Chester. That makes me sad. It also makes me reflect on my own struggle with suicide.

In my youth, I struggled with my identity. I fought with myself mentally. I don't know if it was depression, but I did have thoughts of killing myself. This was early in my Navy career. Nothing really triggered it. I got along with fellow sailors just fine. Things just didn't feel like they were going my way. I went to the common area to watch some TV.

I found a show by the name of Titus (by Christopher Titus). It's a show I had been watching for a couple years. In the episode Titus was talking about how he tried to kill himself while in high school. All because of a girl. I laughed so hard that I realized suicide was not the answer to my problems.

I've always remembered and reflected on that moment. How not flipping to that channel could have changed my life drastically. How I wouldn't be here writing this blog post, with a wife and two beautiful kids asleep just feet away from me. I'm writing this blog post because I know there are people out there who are struggling mentally. They're trying to decide how they'll proceed. I want to tell you that suicide is definitely not the answer. Life is the answer and it's a wonderful thing if you're willing to work for it (and have a little patience).

If you're struggling with dark thoughts you're not alone. There are several things you can do. Find something you can laugh at. Reach out to a hotline. Talk to someone else about your feelings. We've all been in that dark place at some point. It will get better. Like Chester you will be missed.